The Sum of the Parts, When Run Through a Blender

I live with depression. I try to manage it. I try all kinds of ways to manage it. Mostly while staying away from illegal drugs and alcohol. Instead, I use streaming media. Though it’s hard to imagine, sometimes I wonder if it’s just as bad for my body. But I’m already getting ahead of myself. I’m also a member of the those that are referred to as being ‘on the spectrum’. And I’m polyamorous. And I’m in the tech field. And I’m an aspiring kinkster. Though I suspect I haven’t been able to really see that side of myself yet. Experimenting with kink is complex, if done in a way that mitigates risk. And sometimes I just don’t seem to have the facilities to stay focused for the negotiations. It’s not quite as dangerous as it sounds – I do have a pretty sharp sense of being aware of the person I play with. But it probably doesn’t feel as safe as someone doing proper negotiations.

You may have noticed that this is an interesting mix. I’ve met other kinksters in the tech field. Presumably, people in the tech field are more likely to be on the spectrum, so it’s possible that I’ve even met kinksters that are both in the tech field and on the spectrum. Maybe it gets interesting when polyamory is thrown in. I don’t see a lot of blogs about all these things at the same time. Admittedly, I haven’t really looked for any.

I just stopped for a moment and searched for some blogs. I must have more space than I thought when I sat down to write this post. Though my attention is waning. Maybe not so much more space.

Anyway, I’ve noticed lately that it seems difficult to cry. And sometimes, that difficulty seems to extend to difficulty even talking. Lately, I’m in dark enough states often enough that it’s hard to sort out what needs to be communicated (what would be healthy to communicate for either me, or for her) – and oftentimes, I just hold it in … and try to consume it in fire, like a crucible. (The idea here is not to stuff it in, but hold it long enough to prevent doing harm cyclically.) Though I’ve also been tainted by a philosophy that suggests that you can gain strength by resisting the urge to leak all over the place.

Between my ruminations of gaining strength and not cyclically spewing on my partner, it’s pretty often that I just say nothing. I hold it until the charge dissipates, and then there’s no desire to even mention it anymore.

I’ve been thinking lately about trying to break my silence. But when I considered the things that I would have to write about – polyamory, kink, tech, being on the spectrum – it’s an interesting mix that could well affect my livelihood. And, frankly, I’m already doing my very best to fit in.

Recently, my contract ended, and I’ve been looking for work. Lately, I keep seeing this form pop up that requests self-identification. Supposedly, filling out this form is supposed to be kept in the strictest of confidence – the company collecting the information is not supposed to act on it at all. However, redditers seem to have stories otherwise. I’d like to provide this information, but it just doesn’t seem to be safe to do so. So I kind of wish the form didn’t even exist. Because I feel like I’m lying each time I’m forced to check that I don’t have a disability. Because I find whatever it is that I have going on extremely disabling in situations like looking for work. And I get the impression that even if the creator of that form meant well, the odds are not good that everyone that collects that information means well.

I brought that up, partly to immortalize that reddit thread so that I can find it later, but partly to illustrate the need for anonymity when opening up to let my voice out.

I’ve tried to get in touch with my voice before. I would write for a while, think twice about saying a thing, and then lose the urge to write. I don’t know if one is related to the other, but I figure I should make writing as easy as I can for myself. So this blog is engineered to be sustainable. Including the anonymity. Because there’s a lot of ignorance out there.

With any luck, it will be possible to write, even in my lower moods, and ultimately, in my lowest mood, so I can start picking out patterns which I can use later, when I have more brain capacity, to start breaking cycles – like staying up too late watching streaming media because I get dopamine hits from the excitement of the story … and a break from being in my own life. I’ve heard that journaling can really help with assembling the big picture. And that actually seeing the big picture can sometimes be enough to effect little changes that can add up. And I’ve seen it .. in my poetry, that may never see the light of day .. cycles, repeating, sometimes even with poems that I didn’t even remember writing.

So that’s why I started this blog.